Update | Our Fertility Journey

Borrowed from Circle&Bloom

For those of you who have been (or are interested in) following our family-building journey, and our struggles with infertility, I wanted to give you a heads-up that I just updated the blog page Our Fertility Journey (found at the top of the blog). I just stream lined it a little, and added a key (at the bottom of the page) to explain the zillions of abbreviations that I use all the time. I hope that clears up any confusion, but if you still have questions, feel free to let me know by commenting on this post. I'm happy to iron out any details, as needed.

For those not already in the know - most of you, I think - back before Christmas, Nick and I decided to take a break from trying to conceive our first child. We have been on this journey off and on (more on than off) for over three years now; it's time to step back. I am on birth control pills, and plan to remain on them until further notice. Nick and I still very much want to become parents, but after a lot of prayer we decided that the time has come to step back and focus on other things.

Nick and I are private people, in a lot of ways. I grew up in a family that was never really shy about private things, and it rubbed off on me in practicle ways, which is why we were so vocal about trying to get pregnant in the beginning (in other words, I was excited, and couldn't keep it to myself). When six months went by without a pregnancy, and then when I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidsim, I was devistated and validated at the same time, and shared the news with everyone. People weren't as supportive as I had hoped, mostly (I think) because no one knew what to say and there are a ton of myths about fertility floating around out there, and it just wasn't a good experience. Family was (and is) very supportive, for which we are eternally grateful, but over all, the experience of being open about our struggles with fertility has been a very frustrating one. But how do you "go private" about your fertility once everyone you know knows you want to have a baby, and that you can't? If it's possible, we haven't figured it out. It's probably way too late.

So here's the deal...

We want to have children. While we would absolutely love to have them biologically, we always knew we wanted to adopt at least once, and we really don't care if our children share our genetics or not. At this time in our life, we are not ready to pursue fertility treatements, or adoption, so we have gone on birth control, and are leaving it on a shelf for a while. I am taking this time to really concentrate on my health, my husband, and my relationship with God. I've written recently about taking back my body (here, here, here, here, here, and here), and that is a big focus for me this year; I am determined that 2011 will be the year I conquer my demons, and really begin to live the life and in the joy that God has for me! We are about to embark on a major adventure, moving half way across the country to northern Illinois, and we are so excited to see what God does! You see, in a life where children are something you have to fight to have, this just isn't the time. After we move, Nick finds work, we find a home and settle in... After we get to know our new church family, enjoy having relatives close by, play a ton with our neice and (soon to be) new nephew... After I have dropped a ridiculous amount of weight and stablized at a healthier place... Then, then, we will talk about getting off the Pill, and trying again.

I will be twenty-five years old in less than two weeks - February 10th - and Nick will be twenty-six in July. At this point in our lives we want to revel in each other, in our funny little family (we love you, Butters!), and really delve into our relationships with God, and with His people. We have such a heart to serve God and others, and it is time for us to stop wasting tears on something that is clearly not in God's timing for us now, and focus on what it is He does have for us. It is time to live! And we are so excited to see what the future holds.

Taking Back My Body | Food ~ My Struggle

I have determined that this year will be the year of taking back my body. I first wrote about this resolution when I introduced the HCG Diet, a tool I intend to use over the next months to jump start my weight loss. I continued with a post about the optional cleanse you can use before the diet, followed by a post covering my first day on the cleanse, and then another post talking about why I quit the cleanse the same day. I even posted a "day zero" post that included "before" pictures! Of course, now that we're moving out of state in just over a month, the diet is on hold and I will have to take a second round of "before" pictures when I am settled in Illinois and ready to start my first round on the diet. Oh well, life's an ever changing adventure, right? *wink*

Taking Back My Body is not just about losing weight and getting healthy. It's not just about preparing my body for another round of trying to conceive our first child. It's not even really about poor body image; I have always been able to find the beauty in myself (and others), even when also aware of the not so beautiful. No, taking back my body is about tearing down the walls of fat, inadequate hygiene, and poor health that I put up as a defensive wall around myself when I was just a kid. It's about reclaiming my body, staking my claim on my personhood and individuality, and cultivating a lifestyle of self-acceptance and autonomy. More importantly, it is about learning how God truly sees me - what the Bible says about me as a person - and integrating that truth into my life and way of thinking.

I recently read a post by Single Mom @ The Mom Adventures that discusses her struggles with overeating, and how "eating her feelings" has affected her life. Her statement that she refuses to go back to the weight at which she started really resonated with me - I am at my "start weight" right now, and I am never going back to this weight. I refuse! Watching the spinner on the scale ratchet up to 287 stinking pounds was soul crushing!

I didn't gain weight on purpose; I didn't over-eat with the intention of blowing up like a balloon. Sure, hypothyroidism (onset at puberty, undiagnosed until age twenty-two) was a contributing factor - both to the weight gain and to the poor health, chronic migraines, and pretty muvh constant fatigue - but there were other factors. Compulsive over-eating, for one. Depression, for another.

Not all of my readers know that I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Well, now you do. In the last few years with my father (it ended when I was twelve, with a police report), forced over-eating was part of my life. The only way I knew how to escape any of the abuse was to dissociate - to go away in my mind until it was over. So I did; I dissociated whenever my father made me eat and eat and wouldn't let me stop. And I learned to like it, this going away in my mind. It was safe there; quiet. And after my father was gone I still wasn't at peace in my world, and dissociating while eating came easy. A book, a bowl of Cheerios, and I could disappear for hours at a time.

You could say that eating fed a deep chasm in my heart for a long time. By the time I left for college, I was aware that I had a serious problem with food, but like Kimberli said in her own post about over-eating @ Finding My Way, when you weigh more than a pencil stub, no one tends to believe you when you suggest that you have an eating disorder.

During my first year of college, my life began to change. It was a Bible college, and you can't study scripture for nine months straight without coming face to face with God! And when that happens, it is inevitable that you will examine your beliefs, not just about the Bible and God, but about yourself. During that year of school, I began to realize how little I actually liked myself, and how much I really wanted to like myself.

It took a lot longer to finally figure out that I use my weight as a shield between myself and the rest of the world. I keep trying to lose weight, but ultimately, I see myself as safe right now! Silly, I know. But it's true - behind all this extra weight, behind the stereo-type that fat girls are ugly and undesirable, I feel safe from dangerous people - safe from my father.

I am done with this madness!! I am done living in fear!! I am done being overweight and unhealthy to protect myself from someone who can't hurt me anymore, and from situations and people I can't control. I am done denying that Christ has the power to save me from the scars of my childhood, by insisting I need to take care of myself, by myself! IT. IS. OVER.

I don't want to be a captive to my past, or to my weight. I don't want my husband to have to live with someone that insecure. I don't want to pass those burdens on to my children. The time for grief is over!! The time for living is now.

Alena